Remembrance
by KayraCousland
Summary: Lady Cousland remembers her time in Highever and how she fell in love with Ser Gilmore.


The man's blazing red hair caught her eye. Her heart skipped a beat at his sight and she turned her head slowly. His green eyes were staring at her. She tried to talk but no words would come out, all she could do was stand still and look at the man, her whole body trembling in shock at finding him there. Seeing him after all that time reminded her of the past, the time when she was young and was still dreaming of the future. It reminded her of everything she lost, of that part of her that died, so long ago, in Highever. She closed her eyes, tears burning her eyelids. She took a deep breath and forgot the present, her memories taking her back to the day that changed her life...

They were twelve years old when they met, his father bringing him to Highever so he could become a knight. They became best friends almost instantly as they had so much in common. With time she noticed how the beating of her heart became erratic when he was near her and she understood she didn't see him as her best friend anymore. He was her heart desire.

She expressed her feelings for him at his eighteenth birthday. He was celebrating with the other knights and soldiers in the barracks when she came in. The men stopped drinking, all eyes turning on her, wondering why the young lady Cousland was there. She smiled reassuringly at them, asking them if she could join the celebration. The men relaxed and they started drinking again, even offering her some of their ale. Roland came to her, looking at her curiously. She told him she wanted to celebrate with her friend. After a few hours the others passed out and he offered to take her back to her room. As they walked in the deserted hallways of the castle she felt the need to let her heart speak and so she stopped. Again he looked at her curiously. She took a deep breath, and gathering all her courage she told him she loved him. He smiled at her, the tenderest smile she had ever seen, before telling her he loved her as well. They shared their first kiss that night and Roland told her he could never have asked for a better gift, assuring her he would remember that night for the rest of his life.

From that day their love for each other grew and soon she gave herself to him. She remembered the first time they made love, Roland tenderly worshipping her body as he told her again and again how much he loved her. They fell asleep in each other's arms and she silently prayed this was the first of many nights they'd share. But the next morning when she woke up alone in bed the harsh reality struck. Her eyes fell on the roses and the note he left on the pillow next to her and she realized they'd have to hide their feelings for each other because she was a noble and he was a knight. That morning she cried, cursing her heirloom. But even though they didn't have the right to be together, she knew it couldn't be otherwise. Roland meant everything to her and she knew he was the only man worthy of her love.

For several months they stayed together, acting like friends in front of others and acting like lovers in the privacy of her room. Until the fateful day her father caught them.

She was upset at her mother who once again tried to talk her into marrying Dairren, her friend's son. She spent her frustration training for the rest of the afternoon. Worried, Roland asked her what happened and she told him about her mother's wishes to see her get married soon. He smiled tenderly at her, fetching something in his pocket. Her eye caught the ring he was holding between his fingers and her heart stopped.

"_I was waiting for the right moment to ask."_ he told her.

"_Roland..."_ she whispered breathlessly, wondering if she was awake or still asleep.

"_I'll need to ask your parents first, if you'd accept to marry me..."_

"_Of course I will marry you!" _she exclaimed, her arms closing around his neck.

He laughed softly, his body pressed against hers. He bent down, his lips reaching hers and they exchanged the sweetest kiss she ever had, probably because her wildest dream would soon become reality.

But the dream was soon to end as she heard a sharp voice behind her, freezing her blood in her veins. Roland stepped back from her, staring at her parents. They followed the teyrn and teyrna inside, anxiously waiting what was to come. She remembered her father yelling at Roland, asking him what he was thinking. Roland remained silent for a moment, the ring still clutched in his hand. She saw him gather his courage and ask her father the right to marry her, telling him how much he loved her.

She heard the sound of her mother's slap, saw the red mark on his cheek and the tears in his eyes. She begged her parents to let them be together but they remained adamant to her plea. She took a vase resting on a shelf nearby and threw it at them, screaming. She told them how much she hated them, accusing them of destroying her life. She ran to her room, barricading herself for the weeks to come, only allowing her brother in.

**That day she lost her dreams****...**

Life has never been the same in Highever after that. She stopped talking to her parents, holding them responsible for her pain and suffering. Months passed and her heart never healed at her loss.

She didn't see Roland again until the day arl Rendon Howe attacked the castle. She ran into him in the main hall. He was holding the door, shouting orders to the men. He barely looked at her when he informed her mother about the teyrn's fate, his eyes fixing her only to tell her he was relieved to see she was uninjured. But it was long enough for her to see the pain in his eyes. He turned around and, heading back to the gate, he dropped a metallic object on the stone floor of the main hall. She looked at it, tears rolling on her cheek. Roland turned back to face, tears in his eyes. They stood still, looking at each other in silence.

"_Be careful." _were the last words he told her before the door was smashed from the outside and Howe's men rushed in to attack the guards.

She took the engagement ring and held it tight as she followed her mother to the larder where they found her father lying in a pool of blood.  
She watched her father die slowly, her mother at his side as the Grey Warden pulled her out of the castle to bring her to safety in Ostagar.

On the way she turned one last time and looked at the smoke rising from the castle and she regretted not telling him one last time how much she loved him.

**That day a part of her died...**

She opened her eyes, his green eyes still staring at her. After almost two years, she could still feel his lips on hers when she closed her eyes at night. Her fingers reached for her left hand, caressing the engagement ring that never left her ever since.

"My love?" a worried voice interrupted her thoughts. She felt a hand closing around hers and she looked at the man standing next to her. "Did you know him?" Alistair asked gently and she nodded.

Her eyes returned to the only man she truly loved and she allowed the tears to flow. Things changed after Ostagar, she met Alistair and they fell in love. But as much as she loved Alistair, he wasn't Roland, he'd never be.

And as she stared at her knight, one thought kept haunting her. That day in Highever, she should have told him how much she loved him because now it was too late... Now he was dead...

And so was she.

* * *

**For those wondering, the "present time" action takes place in Fort Drakon where she finds Roland's corpse after escaping her cell. **

**I hope you enjoyed the story even though it is a sad one.  
And thanks for reading and reviewing! :D **


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